Camera Shy

I saw a picture of myself today that just made me sick. It was a close up shot of my face that my husband took. We took pictures of each other taking pictures. Silly, yes, but still fun.

Till I saw the photo. Most of my face is covered up by the camera. But you get a really nice view of my double chin. It's HUGE. There's a reason why I don't like getting my pictures taken and this is it. They make me feel awful when looking at them.

My mother-in-law wants to get a family portrait done soon. But I *really* don't want to because I'm the fattest person in the family and I know it will turn out awful. I hate depriving her of something she really wants and something she has every right to have. There are no pictures of my husband and I on display at his parent's house.

His mother has a picture of her daughter and her husband on display in the family room for everyone to see. It's a huge photo and I absolutely hate it. It hurt my feelings that she would put it on display when she doesn't have one of us. But then I realized that it's my fault that there isn't one of my husband and I up there as well.

I'm visiting my family is less than two weeks. It's the first most of them have seen me since last Christmas. I'm dreading it because I'm the fattest in that family too. I hate this. I hate this life.

But one glance at the weigh-in page will show that in the past 2 months, I've done nothing to change it.

Lord, please give me the strength to change my life.

A small step for me

I've started working out. I've actually gotten up off the couch, or out of the bed, and exercised.

Saturday, I went for a walk with my husband and his parents. We unfortunately interrupted a 5k so the walk only lasted 20 minutes, but it was still nice to get some fresh air. Plus, we were trying to book it back to the car to avoid any more run-ins (literally) with the runners that I worked up a little sweat despite the short length.

Yesterday, I was having such a bad day. Work sucked. I had a terrible headache. My left shoulder is killing me, and I have no idea why. All in all, I was feeling miserable. So I told myself, "Self - you can either sit here on the computer and continue to feel miserable, or you can go work out. At least then, there will be something to feel good about."

And so I did. I rode on the bike, while listening to Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone on my iPod Touch. I only rode for 12 minutes though. Part of that was because I was getting tired. But I think I would have gotten to 15 if my husband hadn't come home just then.

The thing I'm most proud of is that I got up early this morning and worked out. I almost always wake up before my alarm goes off. Sometimes as much as an hour early. Generally, I lay in bed thinking, or try to fall back asleep. Today, I got out of bed and rode the bike again. And I made it to 15 minutes.

I'm hoping to go back after work and do another 15 minutes, for a total of 30 minutes for today. Not too shabby for a girl who has been too lazy to do much of anything most of her life.